Water

This is a post I made a draft of in October of 2012. I rewrote to make it relevant to my life today.

My veins the sea

Your tears the sea

If we but knew

Here together apart

To water the earth

To shape, to wear away stone,

To meet, to carry, to be changed

If we but knew

Here to seek the low place

Here to run to the sea

The words above are the words in a song that we sang last year in my choir called Water. This song challenged me both musically and also just overall in my life.

Although things are generally going pretty well, I have been really struggling recently with quite a few different things. These include figuring out what I want to do after graduation, finding a job, doing everything that goes along with finding a job (resumes, cover letters), keeping up with school stuff, trying to figure out my relationship with God, finances, etc. Most of the time it is fine and I am able to take things one at a time but other times it seems like everything is piling up and I feel trapped and a bit alone.

The second to last line in this song talks about seeking the low place. I remember so vividly last year a friend of mine said that sometimes it honestly is OK to be weak, to hurt, to be in that low place that we all fall in to at one time or another, to need others. This is something that I am clinging to at the moment. When I am weak and falling apart I recognize that it is ok to ask for help and to lean on those who love me, just as I would hope they would come to me when they struggle.

I love the line in this song "To meet, to carry, to be changed." I interpret it as we meet one another, then through our relationship we carry one another during the harder times, and through these experiences and relationships we change as a person. We are called, religiously or just as human beings, to wear away the stone in the hearts of our fellow human beings.

In the end we all run in to the sea.



To meet, to carry, to be changed.

Winter Semester, 2013

There have been so many things in my life this semester that have made me question who I am and what my purpose in life is. Here is a brief overview.

I realized over Christmas break (or at least finally admitted to myself) that I do not want to go into the Computer Science field after I graduate. I think I've known that for a long time but I had to give it a fair chance. It is something that I enjoy but not something that I am truly passionate about. Finally admitting this was a hard thing but important to do because it allowed me to start figuring out what I am truly passionate about. I am going to finish my major since I am so far in the program but I am seeking other opportunities.

My faith has also been changed a lot recently. There are two books that have greatly changed my views on Christianity and helped me rediscover my faith in general. The first was loaned to me by my friend, Andra, and is called the Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne. It talks a lot about putting Jesus back in the Christian faith. This book truly changed my life and the entire way that I view Christianity. Shane talks about living life as an "Ordinary Radical" and how we all are called to act. He brings up a lot of truths about a disconnect we see in the Christian faith between who Jesus, our savior and role model, was and how most of us act today. The second book is Love Does by Bob Goff. This book is centered on living a life where love isn't just a feeling or emotion, it is 100% an action. This is another book that has changed the way I view life and has helped challenge me to live more whimsically. Also, Bob Goff is one of the most incredible, 'ordinary' people I have ever heard of. Both of these books along with Christmas with Wartburg this last December have completely jump-started/revived my faith in God. It's a new sort of faith though. It isn't based so much on rules, who is allowed in, the idea that if you don't believe in X (hell, satan, etc) you can't be a Christian, etc. My faith is now based 100% on love. The following is what I wrote as my faith statement on a camp application a few weeks ago: "My statement of faith can be condensed in to one word, love. This is what I fully believe was God’s message in sending Jesus and Jesus’ message while on Earth. Love is something that I do my best not to just to feel but also something to do and act upon. Grace is simply an example of this unconditional love: we are loved so much, so intensely, so undeservingly, that there is nothing in this world we can do to not receive the love of our savior and no one who does not receive it. It is through this intense love, this all-encompassing Grace, that we are saved."

Then the deadline for studying abroad for Spanish was coming quickly and I had to, yet again, make the decision of whether or not to study abroad. After talking to about 200 people about it and about their experiences, and to my advisor, my choir director, my old choir director, my family, and everyone else I finally decided not to go. I know it would have been an amazing experience but I am a part of something so special here at Wartburg that I know I have a lot of work yet to do here. It would have been too hard to leave for half of my last year here. Coming to this decision is definitely helping me to remember not to take things for granted as many things that I did this last Fall semester were almost my last time doing them.

While I was trying to decide about studying abroad I sent an email to my boss at my job back home that I have worked at for 3 years about the fact that I might not be back. Later, after I made my studying abroad decision, I found out that my old position wouldn't be available this coming summer. That was really hard to deal with because it has always been my backup job that I knew I would always have. Soon after that, the college had its day where a plethora of camps come to Wartburg and essentially recruit college students to be counselors. I played around with the idea for a few minutes but then decided it wasn't for me. The next night at Eucharist the whole service was camp-themed and a coordinator from Camp Ewalu gave a message along with another student who had been a counselor. I started thinking about it again and I eventually got the point where I decided that it would be perfect for me. I would be away for the summer hanging out with kids, strengthening their faith and my own, and would have some time to reevaluate my life. Tons of discussions with friends and family later, I am now officially an Ewalu Camp Counselor for the summer of 2013 :). I am crazy nervous for it and it is a slightly uncomfortable situation for me but I am so excited to break down any walls necessary. A lifestyle that I think I want to lead is that as soon as things become comfortable or I become complacent with life, it is time to move on.

Then, during Wartburg's winter (spring) break I went on a service trip to Corpus Christi, Texas to volunteer at a place called Bokencamp. To explain what they are/what they do, this is from their website: "Bokenkamp Children’s Shelter serves the needs of unaccompanied refugee minors in the hopes that with access to educational opportunities, shelter and legal resources, these children can be empowered to make their own way in life, whether that means returning to their home country, reunification with family or asylum in the United States. Bokenkamp provides dormitory-style living, bilingual educational opportunities, computer instruction, outdoor recreation, crafts and hobbies, spiritual care and a number of activities that strive to foster a sense of normalcy for children who may never have enjoyed such stability in their very young lives." Essentially we spent our time hanging out with kids (they were ages 9-17) who have had really rough childhoods and who simply want to have a better life. We made tie-die shirts with them, bracelets, played soccer and basketball, talked, and listened to their stories. It was one of the most powerful weeks of my life.

It was on this trip that I realized more and more that I am called to help others. I don't always do it as much I know I should and want to but regardless, it is a passion of mine. Immediately after realizing that I started looking at the peace corps for after graduation and have been doing some research into that. There is a fairly good chance that is what I will end up trying to do after I am done at Wartburg. Along with that I have started realizing more and more that I really want to do something with my Spanish after I graduate, whether it be helping out with immigration issues in the US like at Bokencamp or even just using my Spanish in the Peace Corps.


As you can tell, this semester has been a very powerful and transformative one for me. I really appreciate it if you read all of this but also understand if you just skimmed. I wrote this so that I could organize my thoughts and my life over the past few months but I hope it can help others get a bit of insight into what has been going on in my life recently. I'd love to chat about any of this. :)