Hotel Rwanda

*I wrote this in my Ethics and Film class last week while we watched Hotel Rwanda. I had to write while watching it or I think I would've burst"


Last year in my contemporary global issues: hunger class I read something very striking that has haunted me through today and watching Hotel Rwanda for the first time. It was something like this:

"A person in the United States could find out they have to have their pinky finger amputated and the night before they wouldn't be able to sleep at all. However, tell that same person that millions of people just died that day from starvation, war, and famine, and they will get a good night's sleep."

Whether we want to admit it or not we know that this is the truth. I'm passive about atrocities. You are. We all are at one point or another.

This has long been my main fear of going in to my field of study. My original thoughts were to do some sort of mission work following graduation. Peace Corps, YAGM, LVC, whatever. I felt so strongly that as long as I went somewhere. Saw the devastation. Met and formed a relationship with those suffering. Put a face to what I keep hearing about. I felt that it would make me feel better in that I would know I could never be content nor passive.

Unfortunately due to student loan repayment I see no possible way to do anything else other than go in to computer science. My prayer is that I will go in to this field with any job, make as much money as I possibly can, free myself of my loans, and if I have not yet found a way to help others with computer science, quit it.

I am reminded of another quote spoken earlier this year by a Jewish Rabbi. He was speaking about the history of Judaism and he made such a powerful yet off-handed comment. He was talking about a battle that happened at least a couple hundred years ago. The Rabbi said something like "About 7 people died that day. That was back when human life meant something." It is so frightening how true that is. Today things that happen in other countries will never make the news unless they are politicians or at least a few hundred people die. Genocides have gone unmentioned in history.

I have been consumed with passivity, filled with fear, taken over by coldness. Our tolerance for evil has risen so high.

Hotel Rwanda ended with resolution. The protagonist and his family survived. But what leaves me shaken is that this is simply a movie. An incredibly powerful movie, but a movie all the same. And realistically he likely only survived because he was a "powerful" hotel manager with many contacts.

In real life, I hate to be cynical, but they probably would've died.


There is always room. The last words of this film. We need to remember this. Maintain hope, never become passive. Evil sneaks in through passivity.

Testimony

Part 1: My faith life thus far

I grew up in an ELCA Lutheran church and I was one of the kids that was there all the time growing up. I would just go to help out with random things and I had a bunch of friends from church. Then I got to college. I came in to college with baggage and it really affected my freshman year. I almost transferred. Although never diagnosed I struggled with depression-like thoughts, a lot of introversion both of which stopped me from meeting many people. My faith life also sort of fell apart late freshman year. It wasn't like X happened and then I was like "nope, god and me aint a thing anymore." It just sort of faded away. I didn't feel "it" anymore. It was that way throughout most of sophomore year and half of my junior year. Then Christmas with Wartburg happened last year. The first performance was ok. The second performance and third I was really frustrated with a lot of things and that during this incredibly religious dealio I still wasn't feeling it. Then the sunday performance came around and there it was. I don't know why or how but it relit something in me, repaired a broken connection, I don't know. But I felt "it" again. I was also reading a great book at the time called the "irresistible revolution" which helped me renew my faith in god and jesus in a more personal way. I started to view jesus as he was, god's son on earth in a human body as a poor and homeless man. There is something so powerful in that thought.

Anyways. Something was different about me at that point, I randomly started talking about my faith with my parents and friends. It became something I really enjoyed talking about and finally had the guts to do it. It stayed that way for awhile, went on a powerful service trip to corpus christi texas a couple months later, and then before I knew it I was applying to be a camp counselor at a bible camp. Lolwut.

Two major things happened while I was at camp. 1. I met some wonderful lifelong friends and hung out with some great kids and had the best summer of my life. 2. I doubted God and everything about Christianity more than I ever have before in my life. Now, it wasn't the entire time. Some moments I was like "yeah, I get it, God, WOO". Because how can you not have those moments at camp? But the majority of the time I was like "damn, where'd my faith go? This is ironic." It took me awhile to realize why. Or at least part of the reason. I wasn't allowing myself to doubt/I didn't have time to doubt. When there are 2-8 kids expecting you to teach them about god and live with them in a christian community for 5 days you don't really get to take time to be like "well today I'm not really feeling "it" and need time to myself. That burdened me a lot this summer. I felt like I was brainwashing these kids when I did bible studies and a few hours later was seriously questioning the very existence of God.

It took me up until not very long ago to finally "recover" from what happened to my faith at camp. 

Part 2: Doubt (much taken from post "Maggie's Question")


A couple weeks ago my dear friend Maggie came to visit me at school. We ended up going to McDonald's late at night to eat/hang out/chat. We were talking for awhile, in other words I was rambling about my life while she patiently listened, and then she asked me a question. "How is your relationship with God?"
It's crazy how much my faith can change within a couple months after starting to write this. At the moment, my faith is overall strong. I doubt pretty much daily but at the moment it hasn't dealt any crushing blows. 

I sat there stunned.

For some reason this incredibly simple question threw me off so much that I honestly couldn't answer without anything other than "I don't know." I wanted to write about my thoughts on that question for a few weeks but simply couldn't get myself to think about it. 

Tonight I’m giving my testimony. It is something I've been off-and-on thinking about for years. I guess it makes sense that I am essentially recounted the story of my faith life so far and its ups and downs. However, also one of the core messages I'm hoping you all will take away is the value of embracing doubt. This is something that I have gotten a lot better at doing in the last couple of months. Doubt isn't something that should be feared but instead is something that helps growth. I've always strongly believed that a faith that can't stand up to challenge isn't really a faith worth having.

How can it not be ok for me to have times when I'm like "Dang, this whole christianity thing seems really far-fetched." Because honestly, doesn't it seem that way sometimes? Can God blame me for sometimes doubting the most impossible-to-understand thing on earth?

Here is my main idea: it seems that no matter what I do, I am going to doubt my faith at times. I'm going to doubt the existence of God. I'm going to doubt everything I've been taught. I can either react by becoming frustrated/confused/and angry that I'm doubting or I can use it to fuel my faith. I can look back on the days when my faith is strong and burning and say "if my faith can withstand all that doubt, it can handle some more."

When it boils down to it I can answer Maggie's question only as I am here typing this now, for in the morning my answer could be completely different. At this moment, my relationship with God is great. It is a personal relationship and not one that is simply through someone else like a friend-of-a-friend. Sometimes I doubt and fear that I will be let down and hurt. I really do. But I will not run from this fear, I am embracing it. I could be wrong. I could be so wrong. However, just like the best human relationships: we make ourselves vulnerable and take a leap of faith and open ourselves fully to a two-way loving relationship. I'd rather be wrong than have been too afraid to attempt to be right.

That's where I am right now.

Dear god, thank you so much for giving the free will that allows us to doubt. Thank you for challenging our faith and allowing us to challenge it. God I know that there are at least a couple people here tonight who are struggling with doubt, perhaps struggling with the shame that is sometimes related with doubt. Be with them and comfort their hearts even if at the moment they doubt the worth of being in a relationship with you. Thank you so much for allowing us to wander but always having your arms open when/if we return. Thank you for allowing me to share my life with others and thank you for continuing to walk with me and everyone else here as we live our lives.

Ridden with doubt, blessed with grace,

Amen

Maggie's Question

This part was written in early-December:

A couple weeks ago my dear friend Maggie came to visit me at school. We ended up going to McDonald's late at night to eat/hang out/chat. We were talking for awhile, in other words I was rambling about my life while she patiently listened, and then she asked me a question. "How is your relationship with God?"

I sat there stunned.

For some reason this incredibly simple question threw me off so much that I honestly couldn't answer without anything other than "I don't know." I wanted to write about my thoughts on that question for a few weeks but simply couldn't get myself to think about it. Here we go. (Edit: I'm finally finishing this post about a month after writing that last sentence, haha)

My faith as of late has been something that is fine as long as I don't really think about it. Like when I walk out of a Christmas with Wartburg concert and start talking to God it's cool and we're good. Then I start thinking about that action, talking with God, and my mind goes crazy. I start thinking scientifically/analytically and wonder if I am simply talking to nothing. I wonder if there is literally no God out there that I chat with when crazy things like CWW happen. This type of thinking is what made me completely lose my faith in God for most of freshman-mid junior year. I couldn't believe in God.

Something has changed. I'm not sure exactly what it is but I have become more accepting of this duality. My faith is strongest when I am sharing it with others and when I am using it to help others. Maybe that is kind of a part of faith, it is so immense that when we truly think about it, it seems impossible. 

It's crazy how just a simple encouraging sign from one person to a couple friends can encourage me to finally start writing this.


This part was written tonight (1/11/14):

It's crazy how much my faith can change even a month after starting to write this. At the moment, my faith is overall strong. I doubt pretty much daily but at the moment it hasn't dealt any crushing blows. I started reading the book Mere Christianity which is pretty cool in that it poses a logical/intellectual argument in favor of the existence of God. I needed to read something like that.

This coming Wednesday I will be giving my testimony at Eucharist. It is something I've been off-and-on thinking about for years. I guess it makes sense that I am essentially recounting the story of my faith life and its ups and downs. However, also one of the core messages I'm hoping those listening will take away is the value of embracing doubt. This is something that I have gotten a lot better at doing in the last couple of months. Doubt isn't something that should be feared but instead is something that helps growth. I've always strongly believed that a faith that can't stand up to challenge isn't really a faith worth having.

How can it not be ok for me to have times when I'm like "Dang, this whole christianity thing seems really far-fetched." Because honestly, doesn't it seem that way sometimes? Can God blame me for sometimes doubting the most impossible-to-understand thing on earth?

Here is my main idea: it seems that no matter what I do, I am going to doubt my faith at times. I'm going to doubt the existence of God. I'm going to doubt everything I've been taught. I can either react by becoming frustrated/confused/and angry that I'm doubting or I can use it to fuel my faith. I can look back on the days when my faith is strong and burning and say "if my faith can withstand all that doubt, it can handle some more."


When it boils down to it I can answer Maggie's question only as I am here typing this now, for in the morning my answer could be completely different. At this moment, my relationship with God is great. It is a personal relationship and not one that is simply through someone else like a friend-of-a-friend. Sometimes I doubt and fear that I will be let down and hurt. I really do. But I will not run from this fear, I am embracing it. I could be wrong. I could be so wrong. However, just like the best human relationships: we make ourselves vulnerable and take a leap of faith and open ourselves fully to a two-way loving relationship. I'd rather be wrong than have been too afraid to attempt to be right.

That's where I am right now.

The Juggler's Philosophy

This is more or less the devotion I gave to the Wartburg Choir before the second performance of Christmas with Wartburg this last December.



When I got to Wartburg freshman year I went to the involvement fair to...well..get involved! I ended up signing up for choir auditions, joined ultimate frisbee, and threw my name on a bunch of other lists. I remember afterward not knowing if I would have time for everything or how I was going to balance college classes along with anything else. I texted my youth director about it and he told me something that I actually just remembered yesterday for the first time in quite awhile: he gave me the metaphor of a juggler. We often talk about college as juggling a bunch of things but my youth director brought up a very important aspect of juggling: you only have one ball in your hands at a time. As the juggler catches one they throw another away for a moment. I think that is the key for college and life afterward: only have one ball in your hand at a time. Especially in college we are constantly dealing with five things at a time and responding to emails while doing homework assignments while watching tv with friends. While some might argue that it is “productive” I personally argue that it is not being present when one's attention is stretched across multiple things. This is something that I struggle with all the time (phone) and I think it is so easy with the world we live in. I don't think there is a larger compliment or more respectful thing one can do than give someone their undivided attention, especially in society today. I bring all of this up because in this choir when we give a concert that is the only ball that you should have in your hand. We talk about how when we come to choir whether for rehearsal or concerts that we get to drop everything else but most want to keep juggling. when you enter these concerts today feel free to keep on juggling but in the spirit of that juggling catch the ball that is this concert and throw the rest of them into the air. 

Originally I thought this is where I was going to end my devo but there is one more important thing I want to mention. We have the age old cliché yet true statement that we are changing people's lives. But who are these people? I don't know about you but sometimes it can be a bit difficult for me to be driven solely on the fact that I might affect someone I don't know and who I'll never actually know how I affected them. Sure every once in awhile we get stories from Dr. Nelson or others but there are still many more, we assume, whose stories we don't hear.  However, when you are unsure of our true affect of the audience remember that we are not just singing for the audience, although that is definitely one of the main goals. We are also singing for each other. If healing and changing people you don't know isn't enough of a motivation to make you give it your all then remember that you are healing and changing other members of this choir. Last year at christmas with wartburg my life was changed and healed and honestly I believe I became a different person. There are those in our choir right now who are struggling, who need peace and love just as much as anyone in the audience. Today I challenge you to not only sing for those who are in the audience but also sing for your choir family. Heal one another and in that process the audience will also be healed. Please pray with me.

Dear god, please help us remember that you have given each of us many beautiful gifts and responsibilities and things to be involed in but that we are called to be fully present in each of them. Help us maintain focus on these concerts this weekend and remember that we don't need to worry about anything else while we are with this choir. Be with the members of this family who are struggling and who simply aren't feeling the joy commonly associated with this season. Help us all remind each other how much we are loved and how much we are needed. Be with us as we heal one another and our audiences this weekend and give us the strength to do it with a smile on our faces. Amen.