Testimony

Part 1: My faith life thus far

I grew up in an ELCA Lutheran church and I was one of the kids that was there all the time growing up. I would just go to help out with random things and I had a bunch of friends from church. Then I got to college. I came in to college with baggage and it really affected my freshman year. I almost transferred. Although never diagnosed I struggled with depression-like thoughts, a lot of introversion both of which stopped me from meeting many people. My faith life also sort of fell apart late freshman year. It wasn't like X happened and then I was like "nope, god and me aint a thing anymore." It just sort of faded away. I didn't feel "it" anymore. It was that way throughout most of sophomore year and half of my junior year. Then Christmas with Wartburg happened last year. The first performance was ok. The second performance and third I was really frustrated with a lot of things and that during this incredibly religious dealio I still wasn't feeling it. Then the sunday performance came around and there it was. I don't know why or how but it relit something in me, repaired a broken connection, I don't know. But I felt "it" again. I was also reading a great book at the time called the "irresistible revolution" which helped me renew my faith in god and jesus in a more personal way. I started to view jesus as he was, god's son on earth in a human body as a poor and homeless man. There is something so powerful in that thought.

Anyways. Something was different about me at that point, I randomly started talking about my faith with my parents and friends. It became something I really enjoyed talking about and finally had the guts to do it. It stayed that way for awhile, went on a powerful service trip to corpus christi texas a couple months later, and then before I knew it I was applying to be a camp counselor at a bible camp. Lolwut.

Two major things happened while I was at camp. 1. I met some wonderful lifelong friends and hung out with some great kids and had the best summer of my life. 2. I doubted God and everything about Christianity more than I ever have before in my life. Now, it wasn't the entire time. Some moments I was like "yeah, I get it, God, WOO". Because how can you not have those moments at camp? But the majority of the time I was like "damn, where'd my faith go? This is ironic." It took me awhile to realize why. Or at least part of the reason. I wasn't allowing myself to doubt/I didn't have time to doubt. When there are 2-8 kids expecting you to teach them about god and live with them in a christian community for 5 days you don't really get to take time to be like "well today I'm not really feeling "it" and need time to myself. That burdened me a lot this summer. I felt like I was brainwashing these kids when I did bible studies and a few hours later was seriously questioning the very existence of God.

It took me up until not very long ago to finally "recover" from what happened to my faith at camp. 

Part 2: Doubt (much taken from post "Maggie's Question")


A couple weeks ago my dear friend Maggie came to visit me at school. We ended up going to McDonald's late at night to eat/hang out/chat. We were talking for awhile, in other words I was rambling about my life while she patiently listened, and then she asked me a question. "How is your relationship with God?"
It's crazy how much my faith can change within a couple months after starting to write this. At the moment, my faith is overall strong. I doubt pretty much daily but at the moment it hasn't dealt any crushing blows. 

I sat there stunned.

For some reason this incredibly simple question threw me off so much that I honestly couldn't answer without anything other than "I don't know." I wanted to write about my thoughts on that question for a few weeks but simply couldn't get myself to think about it. 

Tonight I’m giving my testimony. It is something I've been off-and-on thinking about for years. I guess it makes sense that I am essentially recounted the story of my faith life so far and its ups and downs. However, also one of the core messages I'm hoping you all will take away is the value of embracing doubt. This is something that I have gotten a lot better at doing in the last couple of months. Doubt isn't something that should be feared but instead is something that helps growth. I've always strongly believed that a faith that can't stand up to challenge isn't really a faith worth having.

How can it not be ok for me to have times when I'm like "Dang, this whole christianity thing seems really far-fetched." Because honestly, doesn't it seem that way sometimes? Can God blame me for sometimes doubting the most impossible-to-understand thing on earth?

Here is my main idea: it seems that no matter what I do, I am going to doubt my faith at times. I'm going to doubt the existence of God. I'm going to doubt everything I've been taught. I can either react by becoming frustrated/confused/and angry that I'm doubting or I can use it to fuel my faith. I can look back on the days when my faith is strong and burning and say "if my faith can withstand all that doubt, it can handle some more."

When it boils down to it I can answer Maggie's question only as I am here typing this now, for in the morning my answer could be completely different. At this moment, my relationship with God is great. It is a personal relationship and not one that is simply through someone else like a friend-of-a-friend. Sometimes I doubt and fear that I will be let down and hurt. I really do. But I will not run from this fear, I am embracing it. I could be wrong. I could be so wrong. However, just like the best human relationships: we make ourselves vulnerable and take a leap of faith and open ourselves fully to a two-way loving relationship. I'd rather be wrong than have been too afraid to attempt to be right.

That's where I am right now.

Dear god, thank you so much for giving the free will that allows us to doubt. Thank you for challenging our faith and allowing us to challenge it. God I know that there are at least a couple people here tonight who are struggling with doubt, perhaps struggling with the shame that is sometimes related with doubt. Be with them and comfort their hearts even if at the moment they doubt the worth of being in a relationship with you. Thank you so much for allowing us to wander but always having your arms open when/if we return. Thank you for allowing me to share my life with others and thank you for continuing to walk with me and everyone else here as we live our lives.

Ridden with doubt, blessed with grace,

Amen